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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

`The April Fool-ish

Daisy remembers her husband Richard today on April 1st 2012 and the prank he played 2 years ago on the same day. She feels a need for revenge and thinks over it. She smiles as an idea strikes her. Ok, its a little harsh but worth it. Immediately she reaches for the phone and calls her husband in Abu Dhabi.

Tring, Tring, Tring... click Richard picks the call

Richard: Hi sweet heart!!!

Daisy: I have to tell you something.

Richard: Yes?

Daisy: It is dreadful but i have to tell you.

Richard: Yes tell me. (Now sounding anxious)

Daisy: I am not sure how to tell you. ( pretends to sob).

Richard: Please Daisy tell me.

Daisy: Richard i know this would hurt you but for all these days you were in Abu Dhabi... well.... I ...since the time you have been in Abu Dhabi, i have fallen in love with your best friend William. Well, we have been having an affair for the last two months. (Giggles).

No response from Richard.

Daisy: Richard are you there? APRIL FOOL!!!..... Richard are you there? Richard i said April Fool?.... are you listening Richard. Richard?...


... and Richard was certainly not listening to Daisy as he had already `jumped off from his flat to die instantly.

Monday, May 28, 2012

-Lapidoth the Cat-



I am cat and i am named Lapidoth of Bethleham. Fine, i am not a human being so what i am atleast 10 times more smarter than a human being. Do i have to work? no, i simply dont. All that i do is purr a little bit, meow a little bit, scratch the legs of my mistress and lo! and behold i have the choicest meal in my plate and foolish humans showering me with all love. Nobody disturbs me when i am asleep asking me stupid questions like why do i not go out on such a fine day. I always sleep snuggly in any place warm, be it the old run down gift box in the corner or amidst hard cover books of my master bearing some stupid names such as Franz kafka, Edgar Allan Poe, Jean-Paul Sartre, well i dont care who these people are or what have they done to this world

Every wednesday exactly at five in the evening,our house is visited by a gentleman carrying a bag of oranges. I am unsure why he always has to bring Oranges. He always takes the chair by the corner and starts to endlessly speak about Sathya Baba the Godman. Sathya Baba is re-incarnation of another godmen who is the re-incarnation of another godmanand the result is an endless chain of re-incarnations of several god man.

Ok so who is this baba? i am not sure. Well i have certainly seen him on TV. Certainly needs a hair cut. I have seen his so called miracles. He makes an banana appear from the sleeve of his robe. Why does not he solve the food crisis then. He spits gold bangles. Wow that should solve the endless miseries of all fathers wishing to give their daughters away with handsome gold. No, but the swamy probably does not think rational like i can. may be he just can perform these feats in front the the thousand assembled crowd. A third rate magician i should say he is.

So back to the old man. As he showers praises on the godman he seems to have an irritating habit of scratching his legs that emits white powder of his dead skin. Yuk, this man could make so much white flour in a day that a thousand flour mills would not over an entire week. He has just two remaining front teeth. Another well known incident that he recounts is how his daughter in law who was not able to concieve for 4 years was able to concieve after a week stay at the swami's ashram. Foolish man why cannot he understand what must have happened at the ashram. Another stay of his daughter in law at the ashram resulted in another pregmancy. Wow, what a miracle. His daughter in law must certainly be happy now.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Trip

Once upon a time, an engineer boy from Goa, who always wanted to be a writer, falls in love with a doctor girl from Kerala, who always wanted to be a doctor. Careers separates the two love birds as the boy finds himself in the bustling city of Pune, working on computers, whereas the girl treats  the sick in the deep rural confines of Kerala. One day they decide to meet each other in the ‘God’s own Country’.............
So I have one week of vacation and in that week I have to attend the wedding of a distant cousin, be at a rave party in Goa with friends and travel more than 500 kms down south in Kerala to meet my beloved. Challenge accepted. The wedding and the rave party were fairly easy tasks because they both happened in Goa, the place I grew up in. Now comes the more treacherous part of the adventure. A travel to Kerala.
A pack my back-pack with all essentials. A sachet of toothpaste, my toothbrush, my Nikon Coolpix 7.1 MP digicam and a spare t-shirt. No plane or train or hotel reservations. No friends to accompany me either. It is me on my own, all alone in an alien land. I turn to Geography remembering Mrs. Furtado, my geography teacher in school, I consult the old torn Oxford Atlas and try to locate Cannanore (The place my beloved stays). I find it and it is few miles south of Mangalore. So that is easy. I know a local train leaving the Madgaon junction at 2:30 PM that will take me to Mangalore. I shall stay there for a night and leave early morning to Cannanore. I leave my home and tell my mom I am heading to Kerala to meet my girlfriend. I do not talk much as my mom is in a state of utter confusion.
Odd, as I board the 2:30 Madgaon-Mangalore passenger and I find a lot of foreigners inside it. I cross-check the surroundings to see if I am in the wrong country. I am in India and I learn from Marion from Hamburg, that everyone is either visiting Gokarna or Murdeshwara (Places considered as Meccas of Hippies along with Goa) to discover spirituality and Lord Shiva. Interesting I should say. I never knew these places existed and I never knew we could discover the almighty here.
The train starts and soon it is passing through long, dark & noisy tunnels. The train stops at Gokarana and I bid farewell to Marion as she bumbles the words “Om Namah Shivay” in a thick accent. The train leaves and I mesmerized by the beauty of Coastal Karnataka. Everything seems so pristine here. The bunch of school kids with slates and worn out backpacks enthusiastically wave at the passing train standing in the paddy fields, the evening sun slowly turning into shades of orange as it is about to greet the Arabian Sea, a lone fisherman adjusting the fishing lines on his boat in the middle of a rivulet and the huge 123 feet statue of Lord Shiva in Murudeshwara. The sights were truly mesmerizing and I reach out for my camera. Something stirs inside me and I do not take out the camera. I say to myself, what is the need of a camera when these divine images have been permanently imprinted in my heart.
It is 10:00 Pm in the night as I reach Mangalore Central Station. The first train that leaves to Cannanore, I find, is the next morning’s Mangalore-Calicut passenger at 06:30 AM. I have to spend a night in this town. The first hotel I find outside the station is the Taj mahal, which is not as majestic as the monument of love Shahjahan had built for his lady love but I think I would be fine in it. I ask for a single room and I am told there are no available single rooms in this hotel and points out to bleak building on the other side of the road which would server my purpose. The name of this hotel is V INDAVAN. Ok, the R from its neon sign board is malfunctioning or it would have been the mythological garden wherein Lord Krishna played his flute and danced with the beautiful Gopis. As I walk across to it the smell of garlic from a restaurant named Zam-Zam awakens the hunger inside me. Funny name, Zam-Zam, a person from Pune might confuse it with Tum-Tum, the six-seater shared auto-rickshaws which may even accommodate 12 people on a busy day.
So I head to the restaurant instead and order a plate of Chicken Sukkha (Dry spicy Chicken) with Porottas. My advice to all the readers, when you are in Mangalore nothing tastes better than its delicious Chicken Sukkha. After the sumptuous meal I headed to Vrindavan. I ask for a single room and an old dilapidated register is shoved towards me. “Rs. 200 fa-ar a Night” says the man with a nasal voice. The man is something to look at. With one closed eye and scars running down on his dark cheeks he could easily pass for a villain’s sidekick in a Mollywood movie. I sign the register and a porter helps me with my luggage. He walks in front of me with a torch and my backpack slung over his shoulders. Through a dark narrow passage full of cobwebs. I hum to myself the Eagles track ‘... and I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell....’ and suddenly we are greeted by a group of about 10-12 mice who are making their way towards the storeroom. I look at them with disgust and the porter looks back at me with a sinister smirk on his face. “This haaappens sometimes sa’ar” he remarks casually. I am ushered into a dingy room with a single bed with coir sticking out the mattress in some parts. I sleep with all the weariness and it does not take long before sleep overcomes me.
I wake up the next day at 06:00,wash myself, quickly check-out and board the Mangalore-Calicut Passenger. Dawn has just begun and as the train travels through the countryside of Kerala I am being transported into another paradise. Elegant tiled rooftop houses, greenery welcoming me, fisherman spreading their nets through the solitary backwaters, I wind through the scenic surroundings of the ‘God’s own Country’. Beautiful being small word to describe my feelings within three hours of journey I reach my destination with my Lady love smiling as she waits at the Cannanore station. Simple and elegantly dressed in a white Salwar, we embrace each other. She tells me Canannore is a notorious place for young lovers hence we need not be seen together in public. We decide to travel to Thalassery instead, a historic place barely 1 hour from Cannanore. The bus ride is bumpy and the bus driver drives as though he owns the roads. He mercilessly honks at the oncoming vehicles as we pass through series of laterite and tile roofed houses with wide verandas, through a narrow track along a long, beautiful, and serene beachside.
First we sit side by side at an ice cream parlour and order two large chocolate ice-cream scoops. The taste of the ice cream is simply yummy and I fall short of words to describe it. Next we head to the Thalassery Fort, once an English bastion, and as we get cosy in each other’s company we  are shooed away by two burly, dark men in their folded lungis, who point out to a school in the vicinity and say such things might badly influence the school children. We have no option then to desert the place. Now all this love has made us hungry and we quietly slip inside a restaurant.
The lunch consists of two large portions of crisp fried kingfish, a spice dry side dish of shrimps, three different chutneys and copious amounts of boiled rice on which is poured the loveliest sardine curry I have ever tasted. South India is one place where the hoteliers rejoice if you ask for more rice and so it was evident with the broad smile of the waiter every time we asked to be served with more rice. We were so full after the meal that we could barely walk. We choose to walk hand in hand the beautiful beach along the Thalassery pier. We witnessed sea gulls crowding around boats that brought crates of shrimps, kingfish and mackerels to the shore.
Finally as the sun set it was time to say farewell. It was the most memorable day of my life with mixed feelings of sadness leaving my beloved behind and also a state of ecstasy to see the Lord’s most divine creation. To see mother earth with a totally different fascination and to experience a true paradise on Earth in barely two days.
I wind through the nights,
Pondering over the lovely sights,
A new day, a new dawn greets,
as my eyes and the heavenly seas meets.
...............Two years later, they boy from Goa marries the girl from Kerala and they live happily ever after.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

A letter to miss J.

Dear Miss. J,

I still would want to make my point understood that having formulas to manage money would not work. You would ask why, well, inquisitive a you are let me tell you the story of Ptah the Zebra and Jisis the monkey. It goes this way

Jisis was a monkey, a female monkey. Let me describe her personality

Jisis had the special ability, even among the animals, to delight those around them with her warmth, her good humor, and with her often extraordinary skills in music, comedy, and drama. Whether on the job, with friends, or with their families, she was exciting and full of fun, and their great social interest lied in stimulating those around them to take a break from work and worry, to lighten up and enjoy life.

Jisis talent for enjoying life was healthy for the most part, though it also made her more subject to temptations than the other types. Pleasure seemed to be an end in itself for them, and variety was the spice of life. And so Jisis was open to trying almost anything that promised them a good time, not always giving enough thought to the consequences.

Ptah too was a female. She was a Zebra. Now let me describe her personality.

Ptah took it upon heself to insure the health and welfare of those in her care, but she was also the most sociable of all the animals, and thus was the great nurturer of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. She was fortunate for the rest of the animals, because friendly social service was a key to her nature. Wherever she went, She happily gave her time and energy to make sure that the needs of others were met, and that social functions were a success.

She was extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which made her perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also left her somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others thought of her. Loving and affectionate herself, she needed to be loved in return. In fact, she was crushed by personal criticism, and was happiest when given ample appreciation both for herself personally and for the tireless service she gave to others.


The following drama unfolded between them on a seemingly normal day

Jisis: Trut, trut, trut. I want a banana i have not eaten anything since morning.

Ptah: Well you did not work all morning. You were out on a break for forty five minutes. You should had thought about others. We were hungry too.

Jisis: phruugh. You were out on a break too. Infact for an hour.

Ptah: Keep your mouth shut. I was out ona break for just 15 minutes.

Jisis: yes i know rest of the 45 minutes were spent talking to our boss, Kneph the fox.

Ptah: Oh please. I simply do not want to hear this non-sense, especially from you. All i share with him is a relation of a master and an worker.

Jisis: Trut, trut. I still want a banana.

Ptah: I said you would not get a banana.

Jisis: Then i want sweets. I love sweets. Especially the red sugar boiled toffees.

Ptah: I am having a headache now. Please go. You would not get bananas nor the sweets.



.... Well you would be thinking how this story contradicts your formula. Well, it does not but i loved the way you wrecked your brain trying to figure out the connection. No connection, no connection yet a connection. Trut-trut, trut-trut..


Regards,

G

The Great Bear

As i draw my eyes heavenwards,
i see you up there.
Like a mighty kite you seem,
with a long and a swaying tail.
A twinkle in the universe,
you illuminate the night sky.
The seven bright eyes you shine,
remind me of the seven sages immortalised by time.

Thoughts of April 2012

Rahul Dravid was not just a cricketer. He was a true ambassador, who presented himself in the most appropriate manner on and off the cricket field. Never involved in any controversy whatsoever, Dravid ensured cricket firmly retained its tag of 'Gentleman's game'
The essence the basicsWithout it you make itAllow me to make thisChildlike in natureRhythmYou have it or you don't that's a fallacyI'm in themEvery sprouting treeEvery child apieceEvery cloud you seeYou see with your eyesI see destruction and demiseCorruption in disguise
“Revealed faith is not harmless nonsense, it can be lethally dangerous nonsense. Dangerous because it gives people unshakeable confidence in their own righteousness. Dangerous because it gives them false courage to kill themselves, which automatically removes normal barriers to killing others. Dangerous because it teaches enmity to others labelled only by a difference of inherited tradition. And dangerous because we have all bought into a weird respect, which uniquely protects religion from normal criticism.”- Richard Dawkins
In 2004, Baba Ramdev's Divya Pharmacy showed a sale of only Rs 6, 73, 000 and paid a sales tax of Rs 53000 only. Wow. And this godmen would solve one of the greatest problem plaguing the world and baffling the economists. The problem of Black Money.Or is it just an gimmick to hold the govt to ransom so that his own pending cases of tax evasion may be solved or more appropriately dissolved???
UPA'ism : A government wherein only incompetant commities and task forces are appointed.
Hala Madrid!!! Hala Madrid!!!................. GELA MADRID...
Manuel Neuer v/s Iker Casillas ????
Go Robben!!! Bravo Bayern!!!
You know you are a Goan ...... when the sight of a fresh kingfish arouses you more than Pamela Anderson.
I went to sleep yesterday and had a dream. Bored with our work, my seven colleagues and i plan a drug heist. The plan is successful but the coordination is horribly wrong. Three of my members are killed and another caught by police. Then i see myself on a plane to Argentina with the bounty discussing with the remaining gang members as to which is better, Mozart's 40th symphony or Dvorak's 9th symphony.
i am likely to express myself in what I believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, my well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the i am not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others.
My bonnie has tuberculosis, my bonnie has one rotten lung, my bonnie coughs blood in her hanky, them dries it and chews it for gum.
You know you're a goan when..... in the evening, you share a beer with a person you fought with in the morning... Vascodagama truly a paradise on earth..
Never bellitle anyone when they are in a situation; good or bad; because you may never know when you might be in the same situation; then even an innocencent remark would strike you like a poison arrow
Enjoy the IPL but come June, don’t blame it for India’s test series losses because you are at the heart of the IPL’s success.
... and so i watch football. Why?? do i hate the sport named cricket. Oh no absolutely not. But i certainly hate the business named Cricket, its owners named BCCI, its promoters named The Indian Cricket Team & the i certainly hate the hypocritic buyers named the stupid Indians...Sorry Jesus Christ !!! Jimi Hendrix is the Son of the God!!!
Your reason and your passion be the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
..... and today i woke up as a lizard anf found i had no blood in my body instead had a green slime running through my body. Wow evolution certainly, i had chlorophyll instead of blood. Now i do not need to eat to fill up my stomach; an hour of direct sunlight would do just fine.
I woke up today and realized i am a lizard. I now may climb walls at night and eat flies with a flick of my tongue.